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Jokes
Sept 27, 2006 13:47:54 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Sept 27, 2006 13:47:54 GMT 2
Fat Bird jokes rule. nice one Paul.
Top joke Aris lol :laugh:
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Jokes
Sept 27, 2006 19:58:21 GMT 2
Post by sAner on Sept 27, 2006 19:58:21 GMT 2
A duck walks into a pharmacy, and asks for Chapstick. The cashier says, "Cash or check?" and the duck says, "Just put it on my bill." -----------------------------------
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" -----------------------------------
Which birds steal soap from the bath ? Robber ducks. ----------------------------------- A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls the driver over and informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where does he think he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he just doesn't know what to do anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from there and that's where you should be taking them. That will take care of your problem." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.
The next day the officer again sees the pick-up truck once again speeding down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are standing there with sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!" "I did that," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach! -----------------------------------
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 21 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 25 I found an exciting girl but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy.! She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 28, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 31 and am looking for a girl with big tits.
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Jokes
Sept 28, 2006 12:17:19 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Sept 28, 2006 12:17:19 GMT 2
'A duck walks into a pharmacy, and asks for Chapstick. The cashier says, "Cash or check?" and the duck says, "Just put it on my bill." ' Top joke mate A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. “You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Bill and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Bill, our prayers have been answered."
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Jokes
Sept 28, 2006 14:05:38 GMT 2
Post by andycole on Sept 28, 2006 14:05:38 GMT 2
Pieter, have you bought a joke book for ducks?
I heard a quick one while watching LOST last night.....
Q:What did one snowman say to the other snowman? A:Smells like carrots!
That reminds me, I should start a LOST thread.....
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Jokes
Sept 28, 2006 16:55:11 GMT 2
Post by sAner on Sept 28, 2006 16:55:11 GMT 2
That was a great joke Indy! :yes: Pieter, have you bought a joke book for ducks? Lol! A couple more A woman walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey where'd you get the pig?" The women says "This isn't a pig it's a duck" and the bartender says "No, I was talking to the duck!" ----------------------------------------------------------------- There was a bar man who owned a duck who danced on a tin box. He sold it to another bar man who phoned him later asking how to make him stop. He replied "Open the tin and blow out the candles!" -----------------------------------------------------------------
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Jokes
Sept 28, 2006 16:58:22 GMT 2
Post by andycole on Sept 28, 2006 16:58:22 GMT 2
lol that candle one is wicked!
ooh, I've just remembered one....
Two whores talking to each other. One says 'Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?' The other says 'No, but I've been swung round by the tits!'
Andy
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Jokes
Sept 28, 2006 17:02:51 GMT 2
Post by sAner on Sept 28, 2006 17:02:51 GMT 2
Hahaha, that's a great one! ;D This thread is on fiiiiiirrre! sAner
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Jokes
Sept 28, 2006 20:46:10 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Sept 28, 2006 20:46:10 GMT 2
Hahaha, that's a great one! ;D This thread is on fiiiiiirrre! sAner Correctamundo Pieter! It is on fire!! Kudos to Indy for starting up the thread!!! Here's a few for y'all: A surgeon, an architect and an economist are having a discussion, and begin to argue about whose profession is the oldest. The surgeon condescendingly says to the other two men, "Well, you know that God took a rib out of Adam to make Eve, so I think that it is rather obvious that surgery is the oldest profession." "Ah," says the architect, "but before that, out of total chaos, God made the heavens and the earth. So I think it's quite obvious that arcitecture is the oldest profession." The economist merely folds his arms and smiles serenely. "And where," he asks, "do you think the total chaos came from?" ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A man says to his wife, "you never tell me when you have an orgasm." The woman replies, "you're never home." ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A guy goes to the doctor and tells him that he keeps having these loud farts that don't smell. "They're really gigantic, Doc," the man says, "and it's really embarrassing. I mean, sometimes I'll be making love to a woman and suddenly, out of nowhere, I'll let out this humongous fart. Fortunately, as I said, they don't smell, but they're just so loud that I'm totally mortified." "Does this happen any other times besides love-making?" asks the doctor. "Oh, sure," says the guy. "It can happen anytime. I can pick up a date and be driving in my car with her when, suddenly, without any warning, this huge, loud far will erupt and the woman will be totally shocked and I'll be completely embarrassed. As I said, though, at leastthey don't smell. But it can happen anywhere, anytime - in a restaurant during a romantic dinner, in a movie theater right at the quietest moment of the film.... the just blast out. They're so loud, Doc, you gotta help me!" "Now, calm down," says the doctor, "let's take this one step at a time. First of all, I want to examine you. Turn around, drop your drawers, and bend over." The guy does this, and as the doctor leans in to begin the examination on the man's exposed butt, all of a sudden there is this loud gigantic BOOM! that rattles the walls of the office. "Okay," says the doctor, leaning back and straightening his hair. "I can see right away that you're going to need an operation." The guy looks around and says, "Oh no, you mean I'm going to need an operation on my rear end?" "No," says the doctor, "on your nose." ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Q - What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? A - The taste. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Q - What do a peroxide blonde and a boeing 747 have in common? A - They both have black boxes. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Q - What's the difference between a teacup and a peecup? A - A tea cup is what the English drink tea out of, a peecup is what Mexicans drive. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Two law partners hire a new cute young secretary, and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even thought they're both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think?" asks the partner. "Aah," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better." Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. "So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?" The second guy replies, "You're right." AC
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Jokes
Sept 29, 2006 10:51:38 GMT 2
Post by andycole on Sept 29, 2006 10:51:38 GMT 2
ROTFL! That nose joke is a killer! and the thermometer one is great too! Quality!
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Jokes
Sept 29, 2006 18:30:07 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Sept 29, 2006 18:30:07 GMT 2
ROTFL! That nose joke is a killer! and the thermometer one is great too! Quality! Glad you liked them AC! ;D AC
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Jokes
Sept 30, 2006 13:06:15 GMT 2
Post by sAner on Sept 30, 2006 13:06:15 GMT 2
Hahaha! All good ones Aris! ;D
------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
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Bob calls in to his job: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss says: "You know Bob, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that."
2 hours later Bob calls: "Boss, I did what you said, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice a very house."
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Jokes
Sept 30, 2006 13:25:54 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Sept 30, 2006 13:25:54 GMT 2
sAner the first two joke are top drawer. Nice one :laugh:
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world? The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,fatty."
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Jokes
Sept 30, 2006 17:58:36 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Sept 30, 2006 17:58:36 GMT 2
A man walking down the street sees a restaurant with a sign over it. The sign reads:
WE PAY YOU $500 IF WE CAN'T FILL YOUR ORDER.
So the man goes into the restaurant and sits down. He calls the waitress over and says, "Miss, I would like to order an elephant ear sandwich."
The waitress replies, "Just a moment, sir," and rushes back to the kitchen. She goes straight up to the manager and informs him, "Well, you had better get ready to pay that five hundred dollars."
"Why?" says the surprised manager. "What's wrong?"
The waitress tells him, "Some guy just walked in and ordered an elephant eat sandwich."
"Oh, no!" cries the manager, clutching his head. "Did we run out of elephant ears?"
"No," says the waitress, "but we ran out of those big buns we serve them on." ________________________________________________________________________________________________________
A guy goes up to a Jewish man and says, "How come you Jews alwasys answer a question with a question?"
The Jewish man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "Why shouldn't we?" ________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Q - How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? A - There's White-Out all over your monitor. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Q - What is the mating call of a blonde? A - "Boy, am I drunk!"
Q - What is the mating call of a brunette? A - "Has that drunk blonde left yet?" ________________________________________________________________________________________________________
And on the duck theme...
Q - What can a swan do, that a duck can't and that a lawyer should? A - Shove his bill up his ass. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Q - What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A - A man will spend hours looking for a golf ball.
AC
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Jokes
Oct 3, 2006 11:45:37 GMT 2
Post by andycole on Oct 3, 2006 11:45:37 GMT 2
Q: What do Jabba the Hutt and Alexander the Great have on common? A: They both have the same middle name!
Andy
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Jokes
Oct 3, 2006 13:05:25 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Oct 3, 2006 13:05:25 GMT 2
Tell this to your lady...
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so interesting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother . Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........" At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."! At the dinner table, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral for women: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!!!
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