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Jokes
Oct 3, 2006 19:46:38 GMT 2
Post by sAner on Oct 3, 2006 19:46:38 GMT 2
Hahaha! ;D That's a good one Indy! ;D
Here's classic one (you probably read it before), but I love the joke. And ... we can only tell this joke until the end of this year as Kofi will be gone then.
We take you now to the Oval Office...
President George W. Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
Bush: Great. Lay it on me.
Rice: Hu is the new leader of China .
Bush: That's what I want to know.
Rice: That's what I'm telling you.
Bush: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China ?
Rice: Yes.
Bush: I mean the fellow's name.
Rice: Hu.
Bush: The guy in China .
Rice: Hu.
Bush: The new leader of China .
Rice: Hu.
Bush: The Chinaman!
Rice: Hu is leading China .
Bush: Now whaddya asking me for?
Rice: I'm telling you Hu is leading China .
Bush: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China ?
Rice: That's the mans name.
Bush: That's who's name?
Rice: Yes.
Bush: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China ?
Rice: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China ? I thought he was in the Middle East and isn't he dead now?
Rice: That's correct.
Bush: Then who is in China ?
Rice: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir is in China ?
Rice: No, sir.
Bush: Then who is?
Rice: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir?
Rice: No, sir.
Bush: Look, Rice. I need to know the name of the new leader of China . Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Rice: Kofi?
Bush: No, thanks.
Rice: You want Kofi?
Bush: No.
Rice: You don't want Kofi.
Bush: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. guy.
Rice: Yes, sir.
Bush: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Rice: Kofi?
Bush: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Rice: And call who?
Bush: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Rice: Hu is the guy in China .
Bush: Will you stay out of China ?!
Rice: Yes, sir.
Bush: And stay out of the Middle East ! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Rice: Kofi.
Bush: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
Rice (picks up the phone): Rice, here.
Bush: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China . And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East ?
sAner
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Jokes
Oct 3, 2006 22:06:50 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Oct 3, 2006 22:06:50 GMT 2
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Jokes
Oct 7, 2006 4:36:49 GMT 2
Post by pulse8 on Oct 7, 2006 4:36:49 GMT 2
Brilliant thread. Q: What's the difference between an egg and a beetroot? A: You can beat an egg. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!" pulse8 - Fatter than ya mumma!
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Oct 7, 2006 15:08:36 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Oct 7, 2006 15:08:36 GMT 2
Here's another one of my favourites: A huge building project is going up, and a man must interview several building contractors to find out which company will be chosen to do the construction. First he interviews a Polish man. "You've seen the plans." says the interviewer. "How much do you think you can do this project for?" The Polish contractor replies, "I can do it for two hundred thousand dollars." "That sounds reasonable. How do you break that figure down?" "One hundred thousand for materials," says the pole, "and one hundred thousand for labour." "All right," says the interviewer. "I'll have to get back to you." The second man, an Italian, comes in. His estimate is four hundred thousand dollars. "That's a little high," says the interviewer. "How do you beak that down?" "Two hundred thousand for materials," says the Italian, "and two hundred thousand for labour." "I'll get back to you says the man. Finally, in comes a Jewish contractor. When asked for what price he can do the project, he says, "six hundred thousand dollars." "That's awfully high!" says the interviewer. "Could you possibly break that figure down for me?" "Sure," says the Jewish man. "Two hundred thousand for me, two hundred thousand for you, and two hundred thousand for the Polish man." ___________________________________________ A husband and wife get ready for bed. After they get in bed the man gets up again, goes into the bathroom, and comes back with a glass of water and two aspirin. He gets into the bed and holds out the water and aspirin to his wife until she says, "What are those for?" The husband says, "They're for you." The wife says, "Why? I don't have a headache." The man turns to her and says, "Gotcha!" _________________________________________________ The big animals and the little animals are having a football game. Throughout the entire first half the big animals are beating the little animals with a really strong offensive game. After halftime, when the little animals come out for the third quarter, they are losing 35-0. They kick off to the big animals to begin the second half of play and with great effort, stop them on the twenty yard line. On the first down, the big animals send the hippopotamus around the right end. As soon as he gets to the line of scrimmage-BANG!!-he is stopped cold. Back in the defensive huddle, the squirrel, captain of the little animals, says, "Wow, that was fantastic! Who stopped the hippo like that?" "It was me," says the centipede. "Well, keep up the good work!" says the squirrel. On the second down, the big animals send the rhinocerous around the left end. Once again, he is hit and stopped at the line of scrimmage. In the huddle again, the squirrel asks, "Who was it this time that stopped the rhino?" "It was me again," says the centipede. On the third down, the big animals send the elephant right up the middle. He doesn't get one yard before he is knocked flat on his back. Once again in the huddle the squirrel asks the centipede, "was that you again?" "Yes," replies the little bug. "Tell me," says the squirrel. "Where were you during the first half?" The centipede answers, "In the locker room, taping my ankles." AC
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Oct 7, 2006 15:54:33 GMT 2
Post by pulse8 on Oct 7, 2006 15:54:33 GMT 2
A Japanese man walks into a petrol station to pay for his fuel. While he is being served, he asks the English man behind the counter:
"Why does price of petrol go up and down so much? One week I pay more than last week, then next week back to first week. Why this happen?"
The man behind the counter replies, "Fluctuations".
Confused, the Japanese man stops and thinks for a second. "Fructuations?"
"That's right, mate, fluctuations", says the English man.
"Yeah?", shouts the Japanese man, "Well fluck you English men, too!", and storms out of the shop.
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Jokes
Oct 10, 2006 13:12:35 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Oct 10, 2006 13:12:35 GMT 2
:laugh: pulse8 that Jap joke is funny :laugh:
Funny jewish joke Aris :laugh:
The Birds and the Bees
Father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was 6 I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really shag each other, I'll have nothing left to live for."
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Jokes
Oct 10, 2006 16:18:14 GMT 2
Post by sAner on Oct 10, 2006 16:18:14 GMT 2
;D Hahaha! That's a good one Indy! The Santa worshipper was also a killer, Innis! Loved the headache joke, Aris! :yes: sAner
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Jokes
Oct 11, 2006 6:10:43 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Oct 11, 2006 6:10:43 GMT 2
Leroy and Shakespeare both die at the same time. They arrive in heaven and are met by St. Peter at the Pearly gates. "Gentlemen." Says St. Peter. "Good to see the two of you, but, I'm afraid we have one small problem. Turns out we only have room for one of you at this time."
William immediately speaks up and says: "Please St. Peter, allow the young man to fill the one vacancy."
"Bless your kind heart," says St. Peter, "but, I can not allow that. Instead, so it's fair to both individuals, we will have a contest. How does that sound to the two of you?"
"Splendid!" says Shakespear.
"Aight!" replies Leroy.
"Excellent!" says St. Peter. "Now then, the contest will require you to compose a poem with the word Timbuktu in it." "Shakespeare, given your accomplishments during your mortal days on earth, you may go first."
Shakespeare contemplates for half a minute, then steps forward, clears his throat, and says:
"Far away in a distant land Out across the burning sand Men on camels marched two by two On their way to Timbuktu"
St. Peter is thoroughly impressed. He smiles, then looks to Leroy. "Are you ready young man?" asks St. Peter.
"I's ready" replies Leroy.
Leroy steps forward, clears his throat and begins his poem:
"Me and my oldest brutha Tim, a huntin' we did go We come across three pretty gals, a sleepin' in a row Since they wuz three and we wuz two I bucked one, and Timbuktu"
AC
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Oct 12, 2006 12:16:00 GMT 2
Post by sAner on Oct 12, 2006 12:16:00 GMT 2
The judge asks the defendant "What were you thinking when you shot that spotted owl!" "Well, your honor." replies the man, "My son and I were stranded in the woods for over a week. We were starving and cold. It was the only way I could feed my son."
"Well, condsidering the circumstances," the judge remisses, "I will drop the charge against you only because you were trying to provide for your boy."
After the hearing, out in the hall, the judge asked the man, "What did that owl taste like, anyway?
The man replied, "It was a cross between a Bald Eagle, a Whooping Crane, and a protected falcon." ---------------------------------------------------- And another Duck joke ;D
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which, he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been only $20, but not with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan...." --------------------------------------------- * Magic Frog *
A man with a 25 inch long thingy goes to his doctor and says hes got problems with his over-sized member. Is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor sends him to the witch.
The man finds the witch and says, "Witch, my thingy is 25 inches long and I need help. Can you do anything to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "Do this. Go deep into the dark forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has strong magic. Ask the frog, "will you marry me"? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his thingy was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his thingy, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his thingy again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"
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Oct 12, 2006 12:47:11 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Oct 12, 2006 12:47:11 GMT 2
Love that Lab report Joke :laugh:
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Oct 13, 2006 16:39:59 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Oct 13, 2006 16:39:59 GMT 2
At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asked the audience for some quiet. > > Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. > > Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone > > "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies" > > A voice from near the front pierced the silence > > "Well, stop f***ing doing it then."
AC
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Oct 13, 2006 18:49:10 GMT 2
Post by sAner on Oct 13, 2006 18:49:10 GMT 2
Hahaha! ;D
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Jokes
Oct 13, 2006 18:54:17 GMT 2
Post by swedengame on Oct 13, 2006 18:54:17 GMT 2
Good one Aris. :biggrin:
I like it when they are this short! :cool:
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Oct 14, 2006 1:36:57 GMT 2
Post by pulse8 on Oct 14, 2006 1:36:57 GMT 2
SEVEN DEGREES OF BLONDE FIRST DEGREE - A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." SECOND DEGREE - Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" THIRD DEGREE - A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" FOURTH DEGREE - A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." FIFTH DEGREE - What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" SIXTH DEGREE - Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware " SEVENTH DEGREE - Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman." I am laughing my f*cken a$$ off!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D pulse8
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Oct 14, 2006 5:09:55 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Oct 14, 2006 5:09:55 GMT 2
Nice ones Innis! :laugh:
AC
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