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Jokes
Sept 22, 2006 16:48:09 GMT 2
Post by andycole on Sept 22, 2006 16:48:09 GMT 2
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said:"I'll give you a £100 if you let me have you" but the girl said "NO".
Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his trousers down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She said "The Son of a bi*ch used coins".
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A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “I can't believe that! why don't you go and give hime a piece of your mind?" She replies "Yeah, I think I will" The man says "Go for it, girl. Here, I'll hold your monkey."
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Jokes
Sept 23, 2006 11:37:22 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Sept 23, 2006 11:37:22 GMT 2
:juggler: :laugh: :laugh:
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Jokes
Sept 23, 2006 12:19:03 GMT 2
Post by sAner on Sept 23, 2006 12:19:03 GMT 2
;D LOL!
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Jokes
Sept 23, 2006 20:22:08 GMT 2
Post by devster on Sept 23, 2006 20:22:08 GMT 2
All good lads, all good!
How about this.
Q. What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Skoda?
A. You can close the door on a Skoda!!!
You could actually say it the other way round if you wanted to take the mickey out of skoda's!!!!!
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Here is a long one....
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint and a sandwich. The barman is amazed at what he is hearing and is literally speechless. He serves the duck and the duck pays and then sits in the corner.
After the duck has finished the pint and the sandwich he leaves.
The next day the same thing happens, the duck comes in, orders a pint and a sandwich, sits in the corner and leaves after he has finished.
A couple of days later the circus comes to town and the ringmaster is in the pub. The barman gets talking to the ringmaster and and he says, listen, I've got the perfect thing for your circus.
The ringmaster is curious and asks the barman to explain. I've got a talking duck that comes in here every day, orders a pint and a sandwich, it's amazing!
The ringmaster is very interested and tells the barman to give the duck his number.
Later that day, the duck comes in as usual and orders his pint and sandwich.
The barman says to the duck that he has got the perfect job for him, pays lots of money and he can put the duck in touch with someone.
Duck: What's the job then?
Barman: It's with the circus, they are in town and I've got the ringmasters number.
Duck: What the circus as in big top, lions, elephants, trapeze artists, clowns and jugglers?
Barman: Yeah that's right.
Duck: What do they want with an effing plasterer!!!!!
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An Englishman, Scotsman and a Liverpudlian are in a bar drinking. The Englishman spots someone with a beard in the corner drinking a pint. He says to the other, I think that's Jesus sitting over there?
No, said the other two, it can't be.
They all took a closer look and were then convinced it was in fact Jesus, they couldn't believe it!!
With that, they ordered up a pint and sent it over to Jesus. Jesus raised his glass to the three men and nodded his approval.
Upon finishing the pint, Jesus got up an wondered up to the three men.
He said thank you to them and then said he would like to repay them for there kindness.
He took the Englishmans hand and shook it.
With that the Englishman screemed, my arthritus, it's gone, cured!!!
Jesus the took the Scotsman's hand and shook it.
The Scotsman screemed, my blind eye, I can see again!!!!!
Then Jesus turned to the Liverpudlian and reached out for his hand.
With that the Liverpudlian pulled his hand away and said: On your bike Jesus, there's no way I'm losing my disability allowance!!!!
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Jokes
Sept 24, 2006 12:34:25 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Sept 24, 2006 12:34:25 GMT 2
:laugh: The Duck joke is brilliant. Nice one. :laugh:
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Jokes
Sept 24, 2006 21:32:49 GMT 2
Post by devster on Sept 24, 2006 21:32:49 GMT 2
Here is another Duck Joke!
A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f***king bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f***king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f***king beak to the bar you irritating b***ard bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says; "Got any bread ?"
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Jokes
Sept 25, 2006 10:10:08 GMT 2
Post by sAner on Sept 25, 2006 10:10:08 GMT 2
Hahaha! I already heard that one before, but it makes me laugh everytime I hear it again. Such an annoying duck is just brilliant!! The duck could be you, Paul! ;D
sAner
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Jokes
Sept 25, 2006 12:40:42 GMT 2
Post by andycole on Sept 25, 2006 12:40:42 GMT 2
Yeah, great joke about the duck and the bread! ;D
A few blonde jokes...
How do a Blonde's Brain cells die? Lonely
Two blondes walk into a building You would have thought one of them would have seen it
Did you hear about the blonde who wanted to iron the curtains? She fell out of the window
Andy
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Jokes
Sept 26, 2006 5:09:19 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Sept 26, 2006 5:09:19 GMT 2
Hahaha! I already heard that one before, but it makes me laugh everytime I hear it again. Such an annoying duck is just brilliant!! The duck could be you, Paul! ;D sAner I concur! ;D ;D Here are a few more: Q - What did they find when they took down the Berlin Wall? A - The Hide-and-Seek Champion of Poland Q - Did you hear about the Jewish kid who asked his father for fifty dollars? A - His father said,"Forty dollars! What do you need thirty dollars for? A teacher is giving her class a lesson on garden tools. She has brought in several different objects, and was curious to see how many of her grade four pupils can recognize and name the tools by sight. "Can anyone tell me what this is?" says the teacher holding on to a rake. Leroy in the back of the class is waving his arm frantically. Leroy hardly ever participates in any of the lessons, so the teacher quickly calls upon him: "Yes Leroy, go ahead. What is this object called"? Leroy responds: "That there is a rake"! "Very good Leroy". Says the teacher. The teacher pulls out the next object from behind her desk: "Can anyone tell me what this is"? Again, Leroy's arm is in the air and he's practically falling forward out of his seat. The teacher once again quickly calls on Leroy for an answer. "Yes Leroy, do you know what this item is as well"? "I sure do teach. That's a spade"! "Excellent"! Says the teacher. "You're absolutely correct". The teacher moves on to the next item, and asks her class again, "can anyone tell me what this item is"? She looks around the class, but no one has their hand up. She looks over to Leroy's desk, and he too, has not got his hand up. "Anybody"? she says. "Leroy, you did so well with the other two objects, are you telling me you don't know what this item is" ? "Nope, I ain't got a clue". replies Leroy. "Why, it's a hoe". Says the teacher. Leroy is scratching his head, "That ain't no hoe"! says Leroy. " My sister, everyone says she's a ho, and she ain't look nothin' like that"! AC
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Jokes
Sept 26, 2006 11:05:04 GMT 2
Post by andycole on Sept 26, 2006 11:05:04 GMT 2
I think we could all see that one coming! I love that jewish kid joke! Old but still cracks me up! Andy
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Jokes
Sept 26, 2006 13:39:09 GMT 2
Post by MikeDotBe on Sept 26, 2006 13:39:09 GMT 2
hmmm... what is a "hoe" and a "ho" Mike
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Jokes
Sept 26, 2006 16:27:34 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Sept 26, 2006 16:27:34 GMT 2
hmmm... what is a "hoe" and a "ho" Mike Hi Mike, A hoe is 'la binette'. A Ho is black lingo (ebonics) for putain (pute). AC
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Jokes
Sept 26, 2006 18:45:22 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Sept 26, 2006 18:45:22 GMT 2
Ok so I now know that MDB does not listen to rap music :laugh:
This is funny
A woman arrived at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked, soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law xclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravishes me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
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Jokes
Sept 26, 2006 23:16:59 GMT 2
Post by devster on Sept 26, 2006 23:16:59 GMT 2
I'm feeling that gag Indy!!
How about the fat bird that went to an interview and at the end the interviewer said im afraid you didn't get the job.
The woman said, this is outrageous, you are fattist.
The Interviewer replied: No, I think you will find that you are the fattest!!!!!! ;D :eek:
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Jokes
Sept 27, 2006 3:23:29 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Sept 27, 2006 3:23:29 GMT 2
Old Timer Sex The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. He thinks, I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
AC
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