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Jokes
Sept 10, 2006 16:39:58 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Sept 10, 2006 16:39:58 GMT 2
Aris 1/3 not bad Indy I guess I better not quit my day job..... AC
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Jokes
Sept 11, 2006 14:22:46 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Sept 11, 2006 14:22:46 GMT 2
Mujibar was trying to get into Britain legally through Immigration.
The Officer said "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Britain." Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said "Mister Officer, I am ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar is now known as Mike and works in a call centre near you ...
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Jokes
Sept 11, 2006 14:29:58 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Sept 11, 2006 14:29:58 GMT 2
Mujibar was trying to get into Britain legally through Immigration. The Officer said "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Britain." Mujibar said, "I am ready." The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said "Mister Officer, I am ready." The Officer said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'" Mujibar is now known as Mike and works in a call centre near you ... I think I spoke with him yesterday..... ;D AC
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Sept 11, 2006 16:28:13 GMT 2
Post by chokocat on Sept 11, 2006 16:28:13 GMT 2
Understand now why they say that "even the call center are in the UK" in that Churchill advert ... Sorry for the non English lads!
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Jokes
Sept 13, 2006 10:12:53 GMT 2
Post by andycole on Sept 13, 2006 10:12:53 GMT 2
Just catching up with this thread... Those pope jokes are OOOOLD! and the Italian in Malta, well, I heard that when I was still in high school, must have been 1983 or something I'll try to remember some.... Andy
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Jokes
Sept 13, 2006 14:46:08 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Sept 13, 2006 14:46:08 GMT 2
Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening."
So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said: "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But I disagree hurts like hell!
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Sept 13, 2006 14:51:22 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Sept 13, 2006 14:51:22 GMT 2
One day, a blonde walked into a electronics store. she asked "can i have that tv?" the guy said, "sorry, we don't sell stuff to blondes." The blonde went home and dyed her hair black, and came back. She said"can i have that tv?" the guy said, "sorry, we don't sell stuff to blondes." The blonde went home and dyed her hair brunette. she came back and asked"can i have that tv?" the guy said "sorry, we don't sell stuff to blondes." Then the blonde yells, "i'm not a blonde, i'm a brunette" and the guy says"no your a blonde, because thats not a tv, thats a microwave"
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Sept 14, 2006 9:58:18 GMT 2
Post by andycole on Sept 14, 2006 9:58:18 GMT 2
LOL, I'm guessing 'the board' changed some of your words to 'I disagree'!! I'm guessing it was 'm y a r s e '! my arse I disagree Andy OK, it was 'm y a s s!'
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Sept 14, 2006 19:19:10 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Sept 14, 2006 19:19:10 GMT 2
READ FIRST BEFORE OPENING THE PICTURE! My ex-wife had started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started in 2003 and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year. Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in a garden in Surrey because of bad weather. The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured. Photograph attached was taken at the scene and shows the extent of Damage to her aircraft. She was very, very lucky www.maj.com/cgi-bin/gallery.cgi?i=765016
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Jokes
Sept 19, 2006 15:18:01 GMT 2
Post by andycole on Sept 19, 2006 15:18:01 GMT 2
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."
His funeral service will be held on Monday.
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Sept 19, 2006 16:40:22 GMT 2
Post by sAner on Sept 19, 2006 16:40:22 GMT 2
LOL! ;D
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Sept 20, 2006 15:31:58 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Sept 20, 2006 15:31:58 GMT 2
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into WalMart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The WalMart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart .... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?" "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
Aris
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Sept 21, 2006 7:24:45 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Sept 21, 2006 7:24:45 GMT 2
The pope and a lawyer happen to die at the same time and are standing together at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says to them, "Ah, gentlemen, we've been expecting you. Your rooms are ready." He turns to the lawyer and says, "Excuse me for a moment while I take the pope to his room. I will return presently and will then show you to your quarters."
"Gee," says the lawyer. "I wouldn't mind tagging along with you while you take the pope to his room. That is, of course, if you don't mind."
"We would be delighted," says St. Peter, looking at the pope. The pope smiles, and they all proceed through the pearly gates.
They arrive at the pope's room and St. Peter opens the door. The room has a twin bed, a couple of chairs, a little table, a thirteen-inch colour TV, and looks pretty much like a room in a Holiday Inn.
Taking his leave of the thankful pope, St. Peter then escorts the lawyer to his room. He opens the door and the lawyer is shocked to see a palatial suite complete with balcony, king-size bed, spiral staircase, plasma TV, stereo, DVD player, plush carpeting, jacuzzi and a sauna. He is totally flabbergasted and says to St. Peter, "This room is terrific! But tell me, why is it that the pope, the leader of the entire Roman Catholic Church, got only a standard room, and I got this wonderful penthouse?"
"To tell you the truth," says St. Peter, "we have had many popes check in up here, but you're the first lawyer to make it."
And while on the subject on lawyers....
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving.
Aris
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Sept 21, 2006 13:31:33 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Sept 21, 2006 13:31:33 GMT 2
Keep 'em coming, keep 'em coming boyz. :laugh:
Indy
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Sept 21, 2006 16:17:10 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Sept 21, 2006 16:17:10 GMT 2
Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch.
The next day at school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so they trade.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch.
"Where did you getta thatta watch?" Asks the man.
The boy explains that he and Stanley had traded. The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you?
"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda your wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, 'How longa you gonna be?' " ________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Q: Why do the Irish have potatoes and the Arabs have oil? A: The Irish got first choice ________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Message written on the wall of a washroom:
Dyslexics of the world - Untie! ________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Q: Did you know that PMS is mentioned in the Bible? A: In the Bible, it says, Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________
There's a big convention in Switzerland for doctors all over the world. At the end of the first day, after listening to all the introductory lectures, some of the doctors go out togther for a drink.
As they begin talking, a little national rivalry begins to surface. A Swedish doctor proclaims, "In Sweden, our medicine is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."
"Big deal," says a Russian doctor. "In my country we can take a lung out of one person, put it in someone else, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
"I hate to show you up," says a German doctor, "but in my clinic in Berlin, we can take half of a heart out of one man, put it into anotherman, and have both of them looking for work within two weeks."
"Are these the latest medical developments in your countries?" asks the American doctor. "That's all? Why, in our country, a number of years ago we took an a**hole out of Texas, put him in the White House, and in only one day the whole country was out looking for work."
AC
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