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Jokes
Nov 3, 2006 14:00:20 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Nov 3, 2006 14:00:20 GMT 2
Funny mate. I'll use that down the pub
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Jokes
Nov 11, 2006 15:46:41 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Nov 11, 2006 15:46:41 GMT 2
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Jokes
Nov 11, 2006 16:34:47 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Nov 11, 2006 16:34:47 GMT 2
You should have posted that pic in the collector photos section claiming it was you..... AC
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Jokes
Nov 11, 2006 17:30:36 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Nov 11, 2006 17:30:36 GMT 2
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Buffalo Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone. The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "READ MY LIPS" I said, "BRING POSSE".
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Nov 16, 2006 20:55:20 GMT 2
Post by monkeykong on Nov 16, 2006 20:55:20 GMT 2
Made me laugh. Nice one
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Jokes
Nov 17, 2006 17:03:53 GMT 2
Post by sAner on Nov 17, 2006 17:03:53 GMT 2
A thesis on world politics as described by having two cows - seems reasonably plausible. DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. -------------------------------------------------------
Once Bitten Twice Shy A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead. I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
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Jokes
Nov 17, 2006 17:18:32 GMT 2
Post by pheldge on Nov 17, 2006 17:18:32 GMT 2
;D ;D
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Jokes
Nov 18, 2006 5:03:02 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Nov 18, 2006 5:03:02 GMT 2
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and immediately began to apologize, Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, He finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his jewels for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?'
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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Jokes
Nov 19, 2006 19:01:13 GMT 2
Post by mpanayiotakis on Nov 19, 2006 19:01:13 GMT 2
Haha! :biggrin: :laugh: great one Aris!
Michael
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Nov 20, 2006 11:14:52 GMT 2
Post by andycole on Nov 20, 2006 11:14:52 GMT 2
Brilliant, Pieter. The cows one was great, made me giggle, but the mule one, I laughed so much I dribbled! ;D
Andy
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Jokes
Nov 20, 2006 17:45:34 GMT 2
Post by frances on Nov 20, 2006 17:45:34 GMT 2
Here's one from me.
The difference between Heaven and Hell in Europe.
In this Heaven, you'll be welcomed by an Englishman, a Frenchman takes care of the food and drinks, an Italian organizes the entertainment and a German is the master of ceremony and organizes everything.
In the Hell however, You'll be welcomed by a Frenchman, an Englishman takes care of the food and drinks, a German organizes the entertainment and an Italian is the master of ceremony and organizes everything.
Frances
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Jokes
Nov 20, 2006 17:48:46 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Nov 20, 2006 17:48:46 GMT 2
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Jokes
Dec 27, 2006 21:57:51 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Dec 27, 2006 21:57:51 GMT 2
With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the Temple 's Marriage Marathon , the Rabbi asked the husband, Morris, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years. The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The Rabbi inquired "Trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing , China ."
The Rabbi then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Morris. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"
"I'm going to go get her."
AC
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Jokes
Dec 28, 2006 12:48:36 GMT 2
Post by devster on Dec 28, 2006 12:48:36 GMT 2
Nice work. A bloke says to his wife can you tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at that the same time? The wife replied, your p*nis is bigger than your brothers!!
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Jokes
Dec 28, 2006 14:48:50 GMT 2
Post by Aris on Dec 28, 2006 14:48:50 GMT 2
LOL!
I wonder if she meant brother's or brothers'?
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